I wish I could teleport
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
