Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize