I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize