Betty ford says i'm here all night
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Randomize
