My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
