Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
someone get that fucking seahorse.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
