There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
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