You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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