now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Randomize
