Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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