I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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