I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
