I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
