I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
