I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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