I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
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