Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
