I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize