Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
