I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
