my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I can't put those talents on a resume
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize