I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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