Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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