The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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