OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Randomize
