He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
You did what with his pubic hair?
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