Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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