He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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