i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
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