We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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