Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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