maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Randomize
