i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
