Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
