So drunk its hurt
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Randomize
