this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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