Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I just saw a hot homeless man
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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