I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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