The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
accomplished twins. life is a go
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Randomize
