I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
