The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
