If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
