margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
