you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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