I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
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