I think im going to throw up on grandma
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
