Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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