hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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