my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
