even my farts smell like vagina
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize