Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
This house was built for laser tag.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
