i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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