Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
