hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
