It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
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