i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
