I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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