Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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