I'm so fucking centered right now
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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