Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i'm watching degrassi (go figure) and the episode is about jimmy not being able to get a boner and now he's famous and rapping about popping pussies..i dont get it.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
