im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
