Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
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