the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
