The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
