i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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