Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
You dont lie about slip and slides
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
