A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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