White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Boobs are out for the taking
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
