His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
