so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize